It seems that I just don’t have time to blog like I used to. Of course I still love to write, so when time allows and I feel inspired to do so, I will continue to post entries here. Additionally, I’ve decided to take a more “micro-blogging” approach and have started a Tumblr page: Jenni Tumbles. My plan is to use the new page as a kind of online scrapbook, if you will. Less writing, more photos, inspiration, quotes and cool things that I come across and want to share. I’d love for you all to check it out.
I find it ridiculous that my hormones have the ability, in the blink of an eye, to make me feel like a complete crazed maniac who has been zipped into a fat suit. One minute I’m fine and the next I feel like “fat Monica” and could very easily burst into tears at the drop of a hat. Quel horreur!
I’ve been in full-on recluse mode, having cancelled all of my plans this week in favor of staying in under large blankets to bond with my big screen tv. I’m planning to break out of this bubble of reclusion tomorrow and become social again.
Tonight, however, I likely won’t accomplish more than finishing season one of 30 Rock. How in the world did I show up so late to the party on this one? Considering it’s a brilliant show that’s basically about my dream job, it’s actually quite embarrassing that I only just watched my first episode last night. Needless to say, it was love at first sight.
Halloween is crouched on its haunches yet again, ready to pounce at our throats. I’m not ready! In truth, I never am, even though I’m obsessed with it. I love dressing up, but I always end up running around like a stress case, trying to throw something fabulous together at the last minute. I vow year after year to plan ahead, but I never do. I will attempt to create my masterpiece this weekend- or at least buy some kind of extravagant yet lame and grossly overpriced package should I get lazy. All I need is one brilliant idea. Are you dressing up this year? Do you all have your costumes ready?
For whatever reason, somewhere in the transition from summer to fall, I find myself in this place of reflection. Forgive me. This entry is full-on stream of consciousness. It probably won’t make as much sense to you as it does in my head, but it needed to come out of me.
Moments of depression and sorrows of heart; these things have formed parts of me. I carry myself by my heart. I must allow myself the right to error, and to learn from my mistakes. I can’t be too hard on myself for doing those things. I can’t be perfect all the time (no matter how much I wish I could) and nobody expects me to be. At times when my heart aches, or I’m overcome with those bad butterflies, it can be difficult to see the lesson or the reason, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t one.
I’m finally at a point where I can see how some of those bad roads and unfortunate situations have led me to the right places at the right times. It’s my nature to think too much about things, to wonder and to worry. This has caused me a significant amount of anxiety in my life. Dressing up ugly issues to try and make them prettier than they actually are doesn’t get you anywhere. I’m trying to stop fidgeting and deal.
I definitely have a better notion of wasted time and energy now than I did even a year ago. Life leaves a certain number of bruises on you. We flip back and forth between failures and successes, gaining battle scars along the way. Douglas Coupland said, “Failure is authentic, and because it’s authentic, it’s real and genuine, and because of that, it’s a pure state of being.” And success, what is it? Does it turn us into plastic dolls? Why does feeling defeated hold with it such realism, and succeeding holds with it the obsession to maintain some level of hierarchy in our lives?
I read something years ago, which I still think about, “There are people in the universe who will not get along or have their energy agree. So just walk away, respecting individuality. Kiss off, as they say, because if anything, kisses- even to the air- are beautiful.”
Sometimes we just need to take some time to relax and surround ourselves with wonderful people.
I am constantly looking for inspiration to refresh my spirit. I love to find images and put them all together. Somehow these images become what is inside of me.
I know that it’s not actually fall yet, but it’s definitely starting to feel a little less like summer. Autumn eventually comes to town and drives the stifling hot and humid temperatures away, allowing us to breathe cool, fresh and comfortable air again. I enjoy this transition when it’s gradual. Yesterday was perfect. I could wear my new, cozy sweater but it was also still warm enough to let my pedicured toes peek out of my gladiator sandals while they still had the chance. I know those days are numbered, so I will cherish them until they’re gone. Today was another story- trying to get my tired ass out of bed on such a dreary morning was no easy task; never mind trying to find appropriate footwear for the torrential downpour. I quickly remembered that October will be full of mornings like that…well, except that my boots won’t all be buried under piles of sundresses and bikinis at that point.
All of that said, I just love this time of year. There is so much to look forward to…
- Bright colours, falling leaves
- Seawall walks in the rain
- Copious amounts of tea, plus the occasional Lavender Mocha from Medina
- Thanksgiving (aka lots of pumpkin pie!)
- Getting to see Steve Nash play some live NBA pre-season action with my dad
- Cozy nights in with nothing to do but read and watch DVDs
- Television season premieres
- Ripe autumn apples
- Halloween (I love dressing up!)
- Fashion: layering, pulling out the scarves, hats, boots and sweaters
What are your favourite things about fall? What are you looking forward to?
I often feel like if I stop for one minute, I’ll shut down and I won’t be able to start back up again. Then like a house of cards, everything will come tumbling down. I’m a control freak and I’m attracted to extremes, so sometimes I don’t even realize how hard I’m pushing myself.
In the last few weeks, I have been sicker than I can ever remember being. It has made me realize that I’m not invincible; that if I don’t take care of myself, I won’t be capable of doing what I need to do. Caught up with “being in the zone, ” and so busy congratulating myself for how much weight I’d lost, I didn’t even realize how little I was eating, the limited hours of sleep that I was getting, or how hard I was pushing my body with intense workout sessions. Commitments on top of commitments, and I couldn’t ever bring myself to just say no. I kept motoring through. I hate letting people down, so will go to just about any length to avoid it. Go, go, go is what I did, until I finally hit my breaking point, and ended up being forced to do nothing but rest for almost two whole weeks. I started to genuinely worry that I was never going to get better. I guess this was my body’s way of pulling on the reigns. Without balance, bodies, minds, and even machines break down. How easily I seem to forget that.
Finally starting to feel better, I have spent this weekend allowing myself to unravel, digging deep underneath all those layers of muck to see what was going on in the cluttered up parts of my mind and the empty spaces of my heart.
Life involves constantly readjusting priorities and trying find balance. I recognize now that I need to start making my health and well being a priority. I need to listen to my body and learn how to relax. Oh, how I’ve fought it. As it turns out, I’m actually not the energizer bunny.
I will rest tonight,
to the tips of my toes.