Fill In The Blanks For 2010

Photo via We Heart It

At the dawn of each year, in the fresh air of each new resolution season, my head hums half the time with a line from an old Paul Simon song: “The thought that life could be better is woven indelibly into our hearts and our brains.”

The other half of the time, my head is spinning an old Beatles line: “Let it be.”

For many of us, resolution season throbs with those competing intuitions.

On the one hand, fellow slobs, you and I know that life could indeed be better if we just applied a little more mind and muscle.

The body, the spirit, the bank account. Those are not quite up to par, along with—let’s be frank—certain work habits.

How many more years do we have to get it together? If not this January, when?

On the other hand, my fellow sojourning souls, whenever “Let It Be” is playing loudly in my brain, I hear the truth of that tranquil mantra. I know then that the only thing that needs improvement is our ability to accept life as it is, ourselves as we are.

In those moments, I know that the only resolution required for a truly improved new year would be to stop striving and resolving.

Look at the word closely. Resolve. Re-solve.

With our interminable resolutions, we’re trying to solve, again and again, the thing that cannot be solved, which is the eternal mystery and mess of life itself.

Yes, fellow perfect souls, anything you’d resolve today is a version of something you resolved before, so why not just accept that you’ll always have an issue with your body, your spirit and your bank account?

Eventually my brain always lowers the volume on “Let It Be” and cranks up that Paul Simon song.

Let the fully enlightened among us, all four of them, languish in the perfection of what is. I need January.

To help pursue a better life, I’ve decided that I’m going to use the following resolutions form this year.

It’s based on the premise that the most successful resolutions are specific. Each entry asks for one, and only one, answer. If you accomplish all of these you will be entitled forevermore to let yourself be.

One thing I will learn:

———————————————-

One place I will go:

———————————————-

One physical habit I will break:

———————————————-

One physical habit I will cultivate:

———————————————-

One mental habit I will break:

———————————————-

One mental habit I will cultivate:

———————————————-

One relationship I’ll repair:

———————————————-

One work habit I will change:

———————————————-

One thing I’ll throw out:

———————————————-

A second thing I’ll throw out:

———————————————-

One thing I’ll eat more often:

———————————————-
One thing I’ll eat less:

———————————————-

One thing I’ll drink more:

———————————————-

One thing I’ll drink less:

———————————————-

One overdue e-mail I’ll send, or overdue phone call I’ll make:

———————————————-

One resentment I’ll get over:

———————————————-

One person I’ll treat more respectfully:

———————————————-

One thing I’ll spend less money on:

———————————————-

One other change I’ll make in my finances:

———————————————-

One thing I’ll spend less time doing:

———————————————-

And a thing I’ll spend more time doing:

———————————————-

One resolution I’ve made before but will honour this time because I really do believe that with a little effort life can be better:

———————————————-

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Don’t Let The Whispers Slip

After four days of crying at the drop of a hat and just generally being totally tense and grumpy for no one reason in particular, I decided to take matters into my own hands. Or the hands of a massage therapist at Spa Utopia, rather. I booked in for a massage therapy session. How was it, you ask?

One word. Three syllables:

Ahh-maze-ing.

I was finally able to turn my brain off for an hour, while releasing some of the stress and tension that I’d been holding onto like my life depended on it.  The whole experience was exactly what I needed. I almost fell asleep in the eucalyptus steam room afterward, because I was so completely relaxed. Why the hell don’t I do things like this for myself more often? It was worth every penny, let me tell you.

Things are about to get crazy again, so I’m trying to take advantage of my freedom while I have it.  I’m already up to my eyeballs in Fall 2010 samples.

Opportunity.
Risks.
Everything in between.

Floating in the middle
of carrying on,
and new starting points.

It does feel good.
It does scare me.

But I believe in something.

Knowing there is boundless passion
in the veins.
Knowing there is wild excitement
in the mind.
Knowing there is steady focus
in the heart.

Knowing this makes the risk
easier to bear.

New changes will make
new thoughts on old times
dissipate; sleepless nights
will dissolve into dreams.

My So-Called Life

yorn-johansson-300x300

Photo: Virgin Media

I absolutely adore this album. In fact, it has been my soundtrack for this rainy weekend. I know I mentioned the first single when it was released, but  it has to be said that the entire record is just lovely. It has this kind of sweet, classic, romantic feel to it. I’m not sure whether the songs are comforting or enabling to my current  state of emo-ness, but either way, it is what it is. I love the sound of  Pete and Scarlett’s voices together.

Breakdown

Photo: We Heart It

I’m in this kind of weird head space that I can’t quite seem to articulate. I’m still not feeling back to normal after flying home a couple days ago. It’s been all awkward sleeps and crazy dreams. I’m not really here, it seems.

And it’s Sunday night.

“There’s something about Sunday night
that really makes you want to kill yourself.
Especially if you’ve just been totally made a fool of,
by the only person you’ll ever love, and you have a
geometry midterm on Monday, which you still haven’t
studied for because you can’t because Brian Krakow
has your text book and you’re too embarrassed to even
deal with it, and your little sister’s completely finished
with her homework which is just, like, so simple and
mindless a child could do it, and that creepy 60 minutes
watch that sounds like your whole life ticking away….”

Angela Chase

I could do my own version tonight,
but this pretty much just sums it up.
It’s that worry and that 60 minutes watch….

There’s more I want to say, but there are just so many things
reeling around my brain and I can’t concentrate….

Sundays. Why?

Echoes And Nostalgic Voices

Photo: Laiiis on Flickr

Photo: Laiiis on Flickr

I’m having flashbacks.
Glimpses.

Even with friends closer than usual,
I can’t run fast enough to catch them tonight.

I stop myself in doorways
and on steps,
leaning backward to moments
I feel so far away from now.

They were small then,
I didn’t realize I would feel this way.

I want to stay up and talk to you tonight,
about how much I want the opportunity for great love.
I have experienced this feeling in muted ways-
but not in its entirety.
Those grey glimpses are what will let me know
that I have found it when I do.

The thing about these flashbacks,
is that they make me look forward
to what is next.
Now if what is next could only hurry up…

Time Is All Around

Photo: Mountain Gallivanter on Flickr

Photo: Mountain Gallivanter on Flickr

For whatever reason, somewhere in the transition from summer to fall, I find myself  in this place of reflection. Forgive me. This entry is full-on stream of consciousness.  It probably won’t make as much sense to you as it does in my head, but it needed to come out of me.

Moments of depression and sorrows of heart; these things have formed parts of me.  I carry myself by my heart. I must allow myself the right to error, and to learn from my mistakes. I can’t be too hard on myself for doing those things. I can’t be perfect all the time (no matter how much I wish I could) and nobody expects me to be. At times when my heart aches, or I’m overcome with those bad butterflies, it can be difficult to see the lesson or the reason, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t one.

I’m finally at a point where I can see how some of those bad roads and unfortunate situations have led me to the right places at the right times. It’s my nature to think too much about things, to wonder and to worry. This has caused me a significant amount of anxiety in my life. Dressing up ugly issues to try and make them prettier than they actually are doesn’t get you anywhere. I’m trying to stop fidgeting and deal.

I definitely have a better notion of wasted time and energy now than I did even a year ago. Life leaves a certain number of bruises on you. We flip back and forth between failures and successes, gaining battle scars along the way. Douglas Coupland said, “Failure is authentic, and because it’s authentic, it’s real and genuine, and because of that, it’s a pure state of being.” And success, what is it? Does it turn us into plastic dolls? Why does feeling defeated hold with it such realism, and succeeding holds with it the obsession to maintain some level of hierarchy in our lives?

I read something years ago, which I still think about, “There are people in the universe who will not get along or have their energy agree. So just walk away, respecting individuality. Kiss off, as they say, because if anything, kisses- even to the air- are beautiful.”

Sometimes we just need to take some time to relax and surround ourselves with wonderful people.