For whatever reason, somewhere in the transition from summer to fall, I find myself in this place of reflection. Forgive me. This entry is full-on stream of consciousness. It probably won’t make as much sense to you as it does in my head, but it needed to come out of me.
Moments of depression and sorrows of heart; these things have formed parts of me. I carry myself by my heart. I must allow myself the right to error, and to learn from my mistakes. I can’t be too hard on myself for doing those things. I can’t be perfect all the time (no matter how much I wish I could) and nobody expects me to be. At times when my heart aches, or I’m overcome with those bad butterflies, it can be difficult to see the lesson or the reason, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t one.
I’m finally at a point where I can see how some of those bad roads and unfortunate situations have led me to the right places at the right times. It’s my nature to think too much about things, to wonder and to worry. This has caused me a significant amount of anxiety in my life. Dressing up ugly issues to try and make them prettier than they actually are doesn’t get you anywhere. I’m trying to stop fidgeting and deal.
I definitely have a better notion of wasted time and energy now than I did even a year ago. Life leaves a certain number of bruises on you. We flip back and forth between failures and successes, gaining battle scars along the way. Douglas Coupland said, “Failure is authentic, and because it’s authentic, it’s real and genuine, and because of that, it’s a pure state of being.” And success, what is it? Does it turn us into plastic dolls? Why does feeling defeated hold with it such realism, and succeeding holds with it the obsession to maintain some level of hierarchy in our lives?
I read something years ago, which I still think about, “There are people in the universe who will not get along or have their energy agree. So just walk away, respecting individuality. Kiss off, as they say, because if anything, kisses- even to the air- are beautiful.”
Sometimes we just need to take some time to relax and surround ourselves with wonderful people.